1 June 19
Level 31, Human: You remember that it’s just a game and that makes it more fun, and somehow more tragic. When you cook, it’s delicious. You don’t hook up with your favorite friend with benefits every time you hang out. On your way home, late at night, you buy a pint of ice cream instead of smokes. You only pay enough attention to the news to maintain a healthy ratio of informed and disturbed. You don’t care about half the shit you used to. The other half you keep much closer at hand.
I used to know philosophies so well they would spill out of my fingers when I asked any question. The answer would be right along to follow. In my hospital I limited consumption of books and music because the emotions were too much sometimes. And I really long to leave this place and get back to my puzzles.
The hospital is all in my mind. It’s not in Pittsburgh or in Baltimore. That is an old philosophy of mine bubbling up and onto the page. The words I use are less gracious than they once were, but maybe it’s just that the gears need lube.
And the hook? The hook indicates an area where I fucked up before without planning well. Proceed with caution. Delight in the hook, it tears a hole for the light to get in. Not a holy light: a useful light. For seeing how to build.
**
It makes me uneasy to have no semblance of a plan. No prospects, or, shitty ones. By shitty, I mean, work mill transcription gigs I may or may not get a call back from. Maybe I should go back to full time VHR. Obviously, if I can’t find anything by the end of July, I will have to.
If I can’t find a home in two weeks, I’ll have to plan on wwoofing near Baltimore. That will be difficult because most of the time they don’t want you to work part time. Maybe different farmers have different rules.
I want to minimize my anxiety. Minimize uncertainty.
Or do I? I mean, do the two need to be bound?
I’m going to be old soon, so I need to see the world. I don’t want to live anywhere permanently for a long time.
Micky Sedota's Writing Portfolio 