24 April 2019
Fires purify. What survives fire is forged. Resilient, improved. What does not last in the fire was never meant to stay.
My love for Crabman illuminated, although his body is beyond my care and comprehension. Even in his death, he teaches me. “We called him tortoise because he taught us,” I sing Lewis Carrol.
Death is such a human construction. Who are we to differentiate? Just creatures breaching the end of our understanding–that we all must cross alone.
Perhaps that’s why we pledge to live with another person, devoted. We just want to be connected before–we don’t know.
29 April 2019
Boundaries. I feel better about my boundaries. Like, it’s not a chain link fence. It’s bordered with impenetrable vegetation generating delicious fruits to both sides. I concentrate on benefits; when something needs work, I fix it. Gardens require maintenance. They fluctuate with the weather and the changing climate. So do I.
Routine. I need a firmer routine. My routine is my home; the framework of what I am building, the framework of my time through this human linear perception. I want to build my time within a framework that enables me to be joyful in my work and play.
I broke up with Casual Dating Partner. I don’t have to deal with that non-communication anymore. I am ready to dive deep into my brain and I am tired of circling back to where it is shallow.
In the course of dating him, I could feel tension in opportune silence. It irritated me. Instead of getting upset at the irritation, I can use it as a highlighting marker to indicate weirdness in my memories and address whatever cognitive dissonance remains.
I drank a lot/too much on Saturday night. That is, I meant to have one beer at the party but I had one beer and a glass of wine, two glasses of wine at a movie after the party and two 11% beers at the bar after. Then I sat in my car listening to the Fugees and Black Star, smoking pot for 2 hours. I drove to the gas station and put $10 in my tank.
I wanted to detox over the weekend. I feel so unhealthy living at my parents. Too many chips cookies pizza and Chinese food. I think I drank because it made me feel free. I wanted to feel like I could do whatever I want. I want to feel like that.
I can’t do whatever I want because I am broke. And homeless, now.
Brings me to my next point. If I stick to my healthy plans, instead of drinking, I could do whatever I want, instead of simulating the sensation with intoxication.
I am not going to wallow in what I did and why. I am just being aware of it. I want to get what I want and this is a challenge I have not surmounted before. It’s not going to be easy. I have to ramp up the energy of my dedication and not tend to so many breaks. Stirha Sukha, it’s a balance of strength and ease. Not being too hard on myself but moving through life with more urgency.
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